“This is going to sound weird”, said Erin, but when she was contemplating her own divorce, she was more scared to tell her friend than she was to tell her kids. She thought that sounds wrong. She knew her friend wasn’t a fan of divorce from a religious perspective, but also because her parents divorced when she was a kid and she was still dealing with it.
So, one day when they took the kids to the beach to hang out and when they were playing in the water, Erin said to her friend, “hey, so I have to tell you something. We’re getting a divorce.”
Erin thought her friend was stunned, wasn’t sure she heard her right. And then her friend said, “you can’t do that”, she started to cry. Erin thought: “I was getting the divorce, and she was acting like it was happening to her.”
Erin respects that her announcement probably brought up a lot of pain for her friend, but, hey, when your friends says, “I’m getting a divorce”, don’t make it about you.
One of the reasons it took Erin so long to make the decision to move forward with her divorce was she didn’t want to lose her friends. She hadn’t had a friend group for a really long time, and suddenly she was hanging out, going on vacations together, having girl talk (ok, they talked and she always listened), so it was scary to think she might lose that.
And she was right to be scared. So, when your friend tells you they are getting a divorce, don’t bail on them. This is the time to invite them to MORE. Not treat them like pariahs. No joke, when this all happened to Erin, it was during COVID when all the restaurants were shutting down. And you could only have a set number of people at each reservation. She suddenly found herself cut from the invite list because her party of 1 created an odd seating chart and so they found another couple to round out her spot.
You’ll want to know the details. Of course you want to know the details. Part of it is curiosity but the other part really does want to understand. Sometimes people don’t want to share the why.
Don’t push for the reason. Erin remembers when she told her friends. They kept asking, well why? What did he do? There has to be a reason. They did not accept her “growing apart” explanation. There was a reason. He cheated on her. He didn’t prioritize their family, but she didn’t want to share those things. She was afraid she would be judged. And what would happen if she told them and they decided not to get a divorce, what then? Her friends would hate him.
She also had FOMO on behalf of her kids. Her friends’ kids were friends with her kids. If they knew what an a-hole her husband was, she was afraid their kids would stop getting invites. So, she protected him at her expense. The friends thought she was a whore. If not him, it must have been her.
Ok, so what can you say? If Erin knew she could trust her friends with one of the hardest things in her life, she would have shared the details, or at least some of them. In some ways, giving them no information allowed their imaginations to run wild and they filled in the blanks. But had she known she could share without judgment, that probably wouldn’t have happened. So, when your friend shares they are getting divorced, skip the judgment and go right to being a safe space for them.
It’s ok if you have no idea what to say. It’s ok to say, “I have no idea what you are going through but I’m here for you and I’m so sorry this is happening.”
Avoid going into fix-it mode and telling them the shark of a divorce attorney they need to call right away. They are likely overwhelmed and getting inundated with your well meaning advice will just stress them out more.
OHHHH, definitely don’t ask them this, “did you think about Christmas? (or whatever big holiday you celebrate). Of course they thought about Christmas! Reminding them that they will be spending holidays alone without their kids might just push them back into a marriage they don’t want to be in.
The divorce news is going to be big and everyone will be wrapped up in it for a little bit, and then it will fade. You’ll go about your life. You’ll see them going about theirs, and maybe you think everything is OK. Everything is likely not OK. There will be nights where your friend will be alone. The first night they don’t have their kids, show up with a bottle of wine and a good movie.
Keep asking them out or to stay in. Keep showing up for them.
You will get it wrong. You’ll mean well and say the wrong thing. That’s not the important part. The important thing is to listen. To ask what they need and how they need it. Fight the urge to fix it. Fight the urge to trash talk their ex (unless that is exactly what they need!). Keep their secrets secret. Divorce isn’t tabloid fodder that needs to be spread like wildfire in car line.
Respect your boundaries and what you can take on. It’s a lot. Know when to call in reinforcements. That’s not failure. It doesn’t make you a bad friend. It makes you the best friend. Because you know your friend is struggling, you want to help, but you know you can’t do it alone.
Learn more about The Unmuted Room and how to work with Erin Snow here.
Erin Snow, Professional Listener
Email: erin@theunmutedroom.com
Phone: 603.420.2725
Website: The Unmuted Room
Instagram: the.unmutedroom
Facebook: The Unmuted Room
LinkedIn: Erin Snow
This article originally appeared on The Unmuted Room | Fresh Starts Registry
This blog is intended for educational purposes only and should not be considered legal, financial, tax, mental health, or professional advice. Every situation is unique. Please consult qualified professionals regarding your specific circumstances before making any decisions. Reading this content does not create a professional relationship with Not Quite Done with Divorce or any of its contributors.
